Eat It, Twilight
by HigherMagic
Summary: A random debate between the Winchesters, the Cullens and the Blacks about who's universe has the better vampires. Basically bashing for amusement. I don't own anything, just my random dreams. T for mild language. Might be extended later.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so this basically was a dream I had, and really it was just Sam, Dean and the Cullens arguing about which universe had the better vampires. Naturally there's a bit of bashing but I couldn't resist; especially when Dean gets angry. xD I don't own anything, don't pretend that I do, except my imagination and what I make these characters do in it. xD Enjoy. By the way, this is mostly a dialogue fic, so you're going to have to make up your own mind about who's speaking when.**

"Seriously, sparkling? You guys _sparkle._"

"You're just jealous because our vampires are more aesthetically pleasing than yours. I mean come on, yours are all so _boring_. I've never met an ugly vampire in our world."

"Whatever the hell that meant, we are not jealous. Who in their right mind would be jealous of a vampire? But seriously, what the hell? _None _of you guys are ugly, and that's freaking insane, not to mention unrealistic. You guys, what, bite someone and they go through three days – at least – of hell and then they're immortal creatures with _sparkly_, bullet-proof skin and they never age and they suddenly have all the restraint of a freaking Buddha? I mean come on even the 'weak' one of you isn't that weak and the freaking newborn mother over here doesn't want to eat _anybody_? That's freaking retarded."

"Whatever. At least it's better than having to drink a vampire's blood to become one, and then you get these huge fangs descending over your normal teeth and rip apart your victim. We have _finesse; _we can leave a tiny little scar and at least keep our victims alive."

"If we drank from humans."

"Which we don't."

"Yeah, but at least our vampires are realistic; animal blood is freaking disgusting and you guys say it's like tofu. Tofu is not that bad-"

"Despite the fact, Dean, that the only time you had tofu it was actually a bacon cheeseburger."

"_Moving on..._so basically you're saying you guys don't struggle as much. What are you, freaking blessed from above? No one has that much restraint, even my freaking non-vampire brother over here got addicted to blood. It made him feel strong."

"Thanks for reminding everyone. Unsympathetic my ass..."

"Look, I've met angels and you're assholes enough to be some of them. Besides, you've got vampires who mate for life in ours but still at least get themselves some action; you guys seem to be either entirely promiscuous or complete prudes; monogamists. Makes me sick. You are completely made in pairs to describe the aspects of a different relationship from a point of view that's all about propaganda. We get disapproval for the ones who actually show lust, idolatry for those who keep themselves quiet and then the ones who don't get _any_ are the freaking stars of the show! What the hell?"

"Whatever, Dean. What are you going to do; scream and stomp like a little boy because you can't get rid of us as easily as tearing our heads off?"

"You call that shit easy?"

"Shut up, Sam. Listen, at least we're plausible, alright? They have weaknesses, and not just that emotional crap you guys spew all the time. 'I'll do anything it takes to keep you safe' who says that shit? No one – our vampires keep up with the times and don't linger on freaking eighteenth century babble that no one says or understands anymore. And they don't get it right first time; they're animals like they should be. You guys are too sophisticated, with all your _finesse_ and trying to blend into society. You're blurring the lines."

"Is that why you hate us so much? We're blurring the lines and that upsets you? Eesh, must you make every conversation some deep trip into the emotions? 'Oh, I tortured people and I liked it', 'Oh I'm a freaking _vessel'_, 'Oh woe is me my Daddy's dead'. All of our fathers are dead, you idiot."

"Vampire or not I will stab you in your face."

"It's, like, a must-have of every series and book ever. A missing parent and the child tries desperately to fill that void. And you chose Hunting. Well done. You guys don't even get paid for it."

"We get the satisfaction of killing creatures like you and your dog-friend, here."

"Hey, don't get me involved."

"That's another thing; shifters? Really? All you guys lose is your clothing, and when you're angry only? You have no freaking control over it? That's completely stupid; what if you're terrified and you need a quick getaway but oh well, you're not angry enough so basically you're screwed and attacked by Doctor-sparkly over here."

"Dude, we can control it."

"But only into Wolves? What is the point of that? It's not exactly inconspicuous, is it? I'm sure you could have evolved into something a little better…like I don't know different humans? Go all Siren on the vampires' asses and seduce them into complacency, and then have them kill themselves or something. Simple as."

"You're way over-simplifying this."

"Whatever. Alls I'm saying is, basically, you guys are lame."

"Whatever. We're a lot harder to kill."

"Oh yeah? How do you guys die then?"

"Basically you have to rip us apart, and burn the pieces."

* * *

A few hours later Sam and Dean stood in front of a burning pyre, piled high with rotting and burning corpses of vampires and shape shifters alike. The older Winchester sighed lightly, rolling his eyes when his brother threw him a questioning glance.

"It's almost getting too easy, you know?"

"Yeah," Sam agreed, looking back at the flames. "That big one wasn't very smart, was he?"

"But fast. How's your arm?"

"It'll heal."

And of course it would; because it's always the same. No matter how big a monster is…how many there are or how unstoppable they seem to be...Add the Winchesters in and everybody dies.

**The End. (: So yeah, that was generally the extent of my dream. I thought it was funny.**

**There was pretty much no beta on this. Sorry for mistakes. x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two of 'Eat it, Twilight'.**

**Everyone's alive again.**

**This is mostly between Dean and Edward because let's face it; they have some pretty funny issues.**

**Warning: Slight ginger bashing.**

Dean sighed, forcing his impatience down into a little hard knot in his stomach and willing away the insane urge to stab the vampire in his arrogant, self-important face.

"Now, now, Dean. Don't want anyone to get hurt."

"You know that mind-reading thing, other than being totally superfluous, is really annoying."

"Superfluous?"

"Yeah. You know, unnecessary."

"I know what it means. I was just surprised that you did."

"Hah. Hah. You see I couldn't fit all my derision into one 'Hah' so I added the other."

"Oh. My. God."

"Call me Dean."

"Funny. Why is my ability superfluous?"

"Well, because it doesn't really amount to much what with one of you lot sensing all the emotions and then the other being all psychic. Who cares about the motive when you know the crime?"

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Neither does your existence."

"You're telling me. I bet you're just jealous – you would love to know what little Sammy is thinking all the time, wouldn't you? Think about it, if you'd had my gift you would have been able to stop it. All of it."

"Uggh don't say that phrase; that's for angel talks, not hell spawn."

"You know, words hurt."

"So do fangs, leech."

"I don't have fangs."

"Once again proving you vampires suck ass."

There was a pause as the two males stared each other down, until finally the vampire looked away, leaving Dean to smirk widely. Never being one to just let a subject _freaking die_, the Hunter pressed onwards with another little golden nugget;

"Doesn't it ever bother you than in every single story you're written into, you're the submissive one?"

Edward's reply was sharp; "Does it every bother _you _that you're either having sex with your little brother or with an unfeeling angel in almost every story you're written into?"

"Dude, did you not just hear what I said? You freaking _submit_, like a good little uke every single time. You've slept with your sisters, your brothers, your father and mother, your sworn enemy. Hell you've even hopped in the sack with random strangers."

"Not in the actual story."

"Then you can't hold the Incest or angel thing against me! Besides, can you honestly – Incubus – say that you wouldn't want a fine piece of Castiel? He chose a great vessel to inhabit, let me tell you."

"You're such a queer."

"Says the whore. Either way, come on at least I'm the dominant one."

"Most of the time. And I'm not even committing incest. Jasper has blonde hair, Emmett has brown, I have bronze. We. Are. Not. Related."

"Bronze? Dude, your hair does not look like bronze. Bronze is an alloy found in the ground that was used back in history to make weapons and it's what can kill a siren, alright? You're a ginger. Green eyes, pale skin, _freckles_, the whole shebang. You're a ginger through and through."

"I am not a ginger!"

"Yes. Yes you are."

"Watch it, Hunter. I've taken out tougher things than you."

"Write back at you, Dracula. I've hunted stuff not even _you _would be able to imagine."

"And yet you also get trapped onto a rack wearing an outfit that would put Hansel and Gretel to shame."

"Screw you; I went to Hell and was tortured by Demons for thirty years!"

"It was three months you wuss. And oh yeah I'm so scared, poor Dean who had to put up with thirty years of very poufy Demons with San Franciscan accents! Seriously, is it purposely written than every demon is flamboyantly gay? Ooh…if I had boots I'd be shaking in them."

"You retard they're just cocky. Kind of like you, which brings me back to the whole 'uke' thing…Seriously, were you intended to be used like a Twink or was that just a twist of the writing? You even submit to _girls_, dude, that's just freaking gay. Leave our Demons alone - they could kick your ass half-dead, which I suppose both of you are anyway…"

"Do you ever stop talking? At least I don't commit incest on a regular basis."

"It's 'Wincest', actually. For the win."

"So you're condoning it? That's just sick, Dean."

"Says the ginger uke. Oh I'm so scared! Run from the ginger mind-reading fictional uke!"

"You're fictional too!"

"But I'm awesome."

"You really annoy me, you know that?"

"Well thanks I try."

"So…where is your brother anyway?"

"Don't try it, man. He doesn't swing towards uke vampires."

"Stop calling me that."

"Do you even know what it means?"

"Yes, you idiot, I know what it means. It's the submissive partner in yaoi."

"Let me show you a little something…"

Edward took the sheets of paper Dean handed him, narrowed black eyes not once taken away from the Hunter before he shifted his gaze downward and began to read aloud;

'"_Mmm…Edward…" My name was a low drawl, a purring rumble from a strong chest that was kept just above mine when he propped himself up by his elbows underneath my arms. I wanted to touch, but his posture prevented me from feeling anything beyond thick hair and cold skin, and so I settled myself with wrapping my arms around his shoulders, tilting my head just so to nuzzle into the soft hair just above his ear. His fingers shifted upwards to knot lightly in my hair, keeping my head in place as I felt a sharp bite on my neck, but there was no blood, no sensation of being drank from._

_Just a reminder, to let me know exactly where his mouth was._

_He knew how I would react to it. Immediately I tensed, body arching very slightly to press against his in an attempt to shove him off of me. I must have known in the back of my mind that that action wouldn't have gotten me anywhere, because I wasn't surprised when he snarled at the friction my body against his created, and he curled his body off of mine just enough so that I wasn't touching him anymore, before I found myself lying on my front instead. The sheets of the motel bed tangled around me, rendering me practically immobile and I didn't fight one bit when his icy body covered mine once more._

_For once I felt like a complete slut and had no qualms about it.'_

"Oh Dean, come on!" Edward yelled in surprised disgust, tossing the pages away. "That's from a fanfic you can't hold that against me."

"That was from your point of view, Edward. Honestly, to me it's hilarious. I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so hard."

"Allow me to help you."

There was the loud sounds of a scuffle as Edward launched forward, more quickly than Dean could stop him and tackled the Hunter onto the harsh tiled floor. A slight cracking sound was heard when Dean's shoulder hit tile and snapped slightly, making the Hunter hiss in pain. But he managed to push Edward off of him and roll away to safety.

A few hours later Dean emerged from the room, beaten really badly with a severely broken nose and more then enough fractured bones to last a man a life-time, but he didn't even acknowledge Sam's attempts at helping him until he sat himself down on the motel bed with a soft groan, rolling onto his back and closing his eyes.

Sam sighed heavily, sitting next to his brother. "You idiot. We were meant to get answers out of him, not get beaten to a bloody pulp."

"Who's the last one standing here? Tell you what; next time you go interrogate the mind-reading vampire and I'll sit at the motel doing…I don't know, whatever the hell it is you do here. Masturbate or something."

"Funny, Dean, real funny."

"Your face is funny."

"My God you must be messed up; you're making 'Your face' jokes."

"Well I can't really do 'Your mom' jokes, can I Sammy?"

"Don't call me that."

"What?"

"Sammy."

"Sammy?"

"Yes?"

Dean grinned, though the expression hurt his face. "So you respond to it, why can't I call you it?"

"That's not what I meant…" Sam huffed impatiently, shoving some of his fringe from his eyes before he got up again. "I'm going to get the first aid kit out of the car, before you bleed all over _my bed_."

"Stop whining, bitch."

"Jerk."

Again, Edward taking on Dean Winchester? Just so not going to happen. There are bigger fish to fry than a vampire Coven in Forks, Washington, and when that fish has been fried Dean and Sam will be back for the rest of them.

Next on the list; that vampire's brother, Emmett Cullen.

That should be fun.

**This was not proof-read at all. Sorry for mistakes.**

**That outtake was from chapter 16 of Threefold, which is underway for those of you who are waiting for the next chapter. I will be posting it very soon.**

**Loves you all; I wasn't going to continue this little randomness but I couldn't stop thinking about an Edward/Dean bashing session so I had to write it. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.**

**HigherMagic x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three of 'Eat it, Twilight'**

**If you haven't figured out that I'm biased (or that there's a shit-load to critique in Twilight) then stop reading now because a lot of this bashing is towards Twilight.**

**Swearing. Plotline and Character bashing.**

**Mostly between Dean and Emmett now.**

"So…basically what you're saying is that nothing happened. Everyone gathers in this huge-ass clearing and then…nothing. The freaking baby saves the day?" Dean scoffed, twirling Ruby's knife easily in one hand, the other running itself through his thick, short hair. "And what is it with this fascination with golden eyes? Everything I see with golden eyes, I kill. It's not a _good _thing."

Bella meekly looked down, as she was prone to do and not offer any sort of verbal argument or justification, just continue rambling in her head for some human woman to write down and spill the secrets of her life. Attention whore, much? Emmett, however, always being the one to never shut up in the family, spoke for her;

~Well you're not much better. You go through five whole years of crap and then…_he jumps in the hole. _Genius. I never saw it coming. And that freaking Angel guy…all of you, actually…is there anyone who _hasn't _died or been trapped in your world, ever? I mean come on pretty much everyone we meet dies or gets locked up somewhere, often in horrible ways or places. At least we can settle our differences peacefully."

"It helps when the guy calling the shots is a power-hungry bastard and you have a magical baby. And how can you make fun of _us _dying when _you start off dead? _Hypocrite."

"You're just jealous because all the children in your world are either creepy, demonic or ghostly monsters, illegitimate or the Antichrist."

Dean rolled his eyes, shifting the blade from one hand to the other. It didn't work on vampires, but they didn't need to know that, of course; not since he took out mind-reading vampire. Or 'leech', as that shape-shifter wannabe had called him. Seriously, what kind of imaginative nickname is that? Oh well done, they both suck blood. Well guess what; there's a fucking huge difference between a tiny little slimy thing that you would only find in marshland and a fucking _vampire. _For one, they have huge fangs that can easily rip out your jugular…

Not these guys though. They just have normal teeth.

Pussies.

"Actually, they're not. But that's beside the point. You have a _magical baby _who can project thoughts, which, by the way, is so…pointless. The entire point of her power was to, what, convince Aro (nice name, by the way) that you weren't going to spill the beans (which you've done in a freaking book and movie) but that's so redundant because the guy can read minds anyway! And there's no…genetics involved! A combination of mental shielding and reading minds doesn't equal stupid thought-projecting babies!"

He shifted his weight again, cocking his head to one side as Emmett struggled against the ropes binding him to a chair. Well, that wasn't really it because seriously, _vampire, _but it helped when a certain Angel was using the powers of Heaven to keep the creature at bay. Castiel looked bored with the whole proceedings, but that seemed to be his permanent face nowadays.

"And don't get me started on the whole sex thing…"

"Like you can talk!" Emmett growled, glaring at Dean. "What, you're going to rant about how it took three and a half books for Bella and Edward to jump in the sack? At least it was longer than three minutes."

"Careful, bitch, you might just hurt my feelings," Dean replied with a smirk. "I was actually going to elaborate on my other point -."

"Ooh, big words -."

"Shut up. We're realistic, 'kay? The main characters, who don't get _any _in the story until the fourth freaking part of it, then get immediately pregnant with some weird hybrid that the God-fearing moral vampire wants to destroy. Does this make sense to anyone?"

"You know what? You're one to talk. Are you ever gonna sleep with your Angel friend? The eye-fuckery is getting old."

Dean flushed a little, pointedly not meeting Castiel's eyes when the Angel looked his way. "Not the point. I just want to say you have no _personalities_. It's sad when you get better-written stories on Fanfiction than in the actual book. That Edward guy is more interesting in the fan's eyes than when he was the actual character, vampire, whatever. And Bella! Oh God, 'Let's make me a blank canvas for preteen girls to project themselves onto'. Wow, you like books! Books! And you know what really sickens me?" He leaned forward, the knife gripped tightly in his hand as Bella flinched away. "You freaking use yourselves to republish a classic. Do you know how twisted that is? That's like the Jonas Brothers trying to bring back Zeppelin."

Bella shrank away from Dean, her expression twisted in fear as she tried to wriggle away from the bindings keeping her to her chair. Unfortunately, her almost-completely useless power didn't work against Angel magic. Score one for the nerd squad.

"Oh, a fight! Can I join in?" Suddenly Gabriel was there too, because, hey – sometimes the guy just has _timing. _He clapped his hands together, bouncing on his feet. "This looks fun. Dean, I didn't know you had such a bondage kink."

"Bite me, Gabriel."

"I'd be happy to," Emmett said, grinning in a way that was _apparently _meant to make humans feel a little like prey animals and get them to back away slowly. Unfortunately, after facing down the Devil, the little things like vampires don't seem to be as scary anymore, and Dean just grinned right on back.

Emmett subsided, realizing his 'awesome power of grinning like a pedo' power was on the frits. "Aren't you meant to be dead?" he grumbled, looking at the Archangel.

"Didn't _you _just say that we all keep coming back to life? Please, without me the show would just be ridiculous angst and UST between these two," Gabriel replied, gesturing between Dean and Castiel.

"Tell me about it."

"Hey, tell you what," Gabriel said, grinning and leaning forward and ignoring Dean's muttered 'Who's side are you on, anyway?'. "How's about I snap these bozos away and we can have a real fight?"

Emmett smirked, looking Gabriel's short stature up and down. "Sure," he said confidently, shrugging out of the ropes when Gabriel snapped his fingers, and they came undone. Bella stood as well – not that she really matters because hey; Archangel. She doesn't stand a chance.

Emmett charged, Bella bit her lip, Gabriel snapped his fingers, and Dean covered his eyes to stop the vampire blood and 'venom' – seriously? Fucking _venom? – _from getting in them, and then looked around to see various bits of burning vampire littered everywhere. He grinned at Gabriel, who smiled back.

"Three down. How many more to go?"

"Um…Jeez, I don't know. There's so freaking many of them and they keep breeding," Gabriel muttered to himself, and then clapped with childish, creepy glee. "That was more fun that Sodom."

"Oh…kay…" Dean shifted his weight again; as he was want to do. "Let's keep going. I sent Sam to go after the 'werewolves' and he should have radioed in by now. He might be in trouble."

Gabriel frowned, but nodded, and Dean had just enough time to brace himself for two of Castiel's fingers on his forehead before they were whisked away towards La Push.


End file.
